So I’ve been marinating in this new situation of mine for a few weeks now. I had lots of time to think, and more importantly, to take care of myself. I’ve indulged in hours and hours of sleep – I had a whole lot of catching up to do – and added more and more healthy components to my diet and life style. I’m flushing out the old. I’m decluttering. Internally and externally. Where is that going to lead me? I still don’t know.
There is so much literature out there about that shift of consciousness that’s supposedly going on. It’s weird, though. As much as I read about it, as little evidence do I find for it in my day to day life. The old ways of my surroundings seem so undisturbed. Yet, sometimes I see a little flicker. A friend of mine telling me that I seem to be meeting lots of interesting new people lately, my mom (of all people) taking up yoga and discovering her interest for Reiki. And another friend of mine stopping to drink alcohol and eat meat.
So I guess it is happening, just not in plain view. It’s more of a subdued, quiet change in the background. One that does not need to blow its own trumpet. It just is.
What I find a bit unnerving about it is that it is hard to talk about. I feel I can’t just tell my friends: ‘hey, don’t you think there is much more out there than what we can see? And are we really living up to our potential? And what if we could really co-create our life the way we want it to be by aligning ourselves with who we truly are’.
Besides the not-talking-about-it part, I also find it challenging to find out who I truly am. Dah. I’m sure I’m the only one with that problem… I do struggle with it a lot. I recently, today actually, stumbled over a book that I might start reading: Uncharted: The Journey Through Uncertainty to Infinite Possibility, by Colette Baron-Reid. It seems to be picking me up right were I am at the moment. In that weird space of uncertainty, in the middle of that uncharted territory that wants to be dis-covered.
And just like her I didn’t feel it was a conscious choice. It’s more like I was auto-enrolled in this trip. No way I would have chosen it out of free will. It’s way too uncomfortable, too scary, too unsafe to just venture into, coming from a safe, or seemingly safe environment – my old comfort zone.
Yet here I am. I wrote about it in my new year’s post Untouched. I’ve long started inching carefully ahead in this no man’s land that I have been catapulted into. I don’t have a map for that place, just like Colette says:
When we’re lost, we all want a map – but maps can only show us where we’ve been. They can only reflect the past and our memories of experiences. But we are headed into places uncharted, into an unknown future that has not yet been imagined.
I still haven’t shed the suspicion that there is something out to get me, to catch me off-guard and throw me back into my old misery. However, I have also managed to sustain a bit of my new-found, still fragile hope that the opposite might happen. That by mustering the courage to keep going, even though I have not the slightest idea where I’m going, I might just get to a nice place after all. Maybe even one that is way more beautiful than the one I have painfully left behind.
The key to all of this seems to be what I have already discovered a while back: that it’s important to rewrite my story. The story I have told myself about myself and that has shaped my life so far. Colette seems to agree:
Our challenge is to let go of our old stories that defined us and forgive others and ourselves. Dropping those stories will free us from the burdens and restrictions that have prevented us from writing new ones.
It’s not as easy to do as it is to know. I don’t seem to be writing my new story yet. Only blog posts. But maybe those are a little a glimpse, a sneak peek of the other type of writing I will hopefully be doing in the near future: rewriting my life’s story. I so can’t wait.
In the meantime I will keep decluttering, internally and externally. To make room for whatever wants to come in.
Feature image © Pixabay/Clker