I hit a bit of low point yesterday, as I you may have noticed. Wailing about being forsaken at a lonely train station with no train arriving to take me to the next stop of my life and then wailing some more about not being able to be happy in the Now. Then some of you dropped by to offer some comfort and consolation. And a weird string of aha moments followed.
For a very long time I used to be preoccupied with my past. I wondered a lot about why certain things, family stuff mostly, had happened to me. Why me? Now it’s different. Now I’m telling myself stories about my future, about what I want it to look like. Feels better. Yet I am still lacking something: The ability to find lasting joy in the present moment.
Why am I blogging? To be quite honest I didn’t actually ask myself this question when I first started out. I acted more on impulse, out of a need for an emotional outlet, a pressure valve. If nobody read my posts, no harm done. But then something strange happened…
The other day I discovered Seth Godin, acclaimed author and entrepreneur. I immediately warmed to his calm, unobtrusive demeanor in interviews. I enjoy his succinct, non-redundant writing style. But most importantly I’m flabbergasted. Because he made me realize that I am a cog. Which, according to Seth, makes me the opposite of a linchpin.
The other day I spent some days at the sea. Not any sea – but the place where I was born. I left it behind when my parents divorced and have only returned for holidays since. This time was different, though. When I got there and took my first deep breath, the fresh salty ocean air must have found a secret pathway to a spot deep, deep within me that had been lying dormant for a good three decades. It touched it, ever so gently. And suddenly I knew: I have to go back. I have to go. HOME.