I’ve lost a lot of weight recently. Tons and tons of emotional baggage that I’d gotten used to carrying around with me like a giant metal ball attached to my ankle. A ball that had grown and grown and grown so big – that one day I just couldn’t pull it along with me any longer. Not one more inch. It had become too heavy. I was stuck. Stuck in a place where I could do only one of two things: stay stuck forever or start shrinking that ball, or better yet, unleash myself from it all together.
… what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? I just got home from a book reading. Actually, it was more of a mindfulness workshop, but I didn’t know that when I decided to go. The author included lots and lots of mini meditations in her lecture. And one of them focussed on this simple question, taken from a poem by Mary Oliver called The Summer Day.
If you’ve read my ‘what if’ post you will know that I’ve come to the conclusion that I might want to try living like a leaf floating down a river. For the sake of experiencing a different kind of life: one of less struggle, one of more flow. Now, as you can imagine, it’s quite a quantum leap from furiously paddling upstream, as I used to, to floating downstream without resistance. So I’ve come up with a different mode of transportation for now: Walking on stepping stones. Downstream.
This morning I woke up all grumpy. Well, downright depressed, actually. I could feel this sickening knot in my gut again. So I resorted to my new coping mechanism and decided to check on my terrace plants. If you’ve read “How is your inner garden?” you’ll know what that means: I was basically checking on myself. This morning a surprise awaited, though.
After I published my last post on cracks my eyes fell on my tag cloud and it suddenly struck me that all tags standing out proud and tall were, well, quite depressing. Pain, past, and perfectionism had risen to very impressive sizes. Playfulness, fun and silliness, in contrast, had shrunk to tiny blobs of writing, hardly recognizable amidst the forest of life’s hardships. Then again, tag clouds are a very honest reflection of what we spend our focus and energy on. Can’t fool a tag cloud. Hmm…