While browsing YouTube, as I often like to do, I stumbled upon this little treasure of a video. About breakdowns. It hit a nerve even though my own is now almost past tense. I say almost because I have not yet resolved all of the issues which threw me into it in the first place. But I like to think that I’m well on my way. Which is probably the reason I can start to appreciate the hidden benefit of breakdowns: the call to healing.
I’ve recently become obsessed with Calisthenics. The bodyweight training that produces beautifully graceful and naturally strong bodies. And minds, I shall add. I’ve always had a strange fascination with sport variations that radiate this kind of body control and sensuality in a sense. I just didn’t know why. Until this morning, when I watched a video by a guy explaining why he got into yoga and calisthenics. It was to heal himself.
I’ve lost a lot of weight recently. Tons and tons of emotional baggage that I’d gotten used to carrying around with me like a giant metal ball attached to my ankle. A ball that had grown and grown and grown so big – that one day I just couldn’t pull it along with me any longer. Not one more inch. It had become too heavy. I was stuck. Stuck in a place where I could do only one of two things: stay stuck forever or start shrinking that ball, or better yet, unleash myself from it all together.
So, the other day I popped the question. Not the happy one. But the other, the sad one. Are you totally through with us? I’ve been postponing this moment for a few years now. Years of hoping that we would find our way back to each other. In a new, more mature way. Turns out it wasn’t meant to happen. I finally figured that. And asked the question. And got the dreaded response. It was my worst nightmare come true. But it has also liberated me.
I have a recurring dream: I am crouching on the cliff edge of a very high mountain, paralyzed by the proximity of the deep abyss that I cannot see but feel, scared out of my depth of losing my grip and falling. Curiously, one night I somehow knew in my dream that I was dreaming and even though I could not wake myself from it I could think about it while I was in it. So I thought to myself: Hang on, if I’m dreaming then nothing can really happen to the real-life me, right? So what if I just let go and see what happens? And so I did….