Today I thought about habits. Why? Because I like to self-improve. Or find fault with myself, depending on your perspective. I certainly always have a to-do list with some potential self-improvement items at hand. I say potential, because most of the time they don’t materialize. At least not sustainably. This time will be different, though!
Modes of transport
I hit a bit of low point yesterday, as I you may have noticed. Wailing about being forsaken at a lonely train station with no train arriving to take me to the next stop of my life and then wailing some more about not being able to be happy in the Now. Then some of you dropped by to offer some comfort and consolation. And a weird string of aha moments followed.
For a very long time I used to be preoccupied with my past. I wondered a lot about why certain things, family stuff mostly, had happened to me. Why me? Now it’s different. Now I’m telling myself stories about my future, about what I want it to look like. Feels better. Yet I am still lacking something: The ability to find lasting joy in the present moment.
About a year and a half ago I posted a bucket list. I imagined what I would do if I only had six months to live. Four things instantly sprung to my mind and in a very strange string of events I did all of them, within six months. It was a pretty tumultuous experience at times, but very worthwhile. I can now write another bucket list, free of old baggage, this time looking forward.
The other day I had a dream. I jumped off something very, very high up in the sky. Maybe a cloud. Maybe even heavens. I jumped off right into an unimaginably deep, steep free fall. Without parachute, yet totally fearless. I just knew nothing could happen to me. But then, suddenly, out of nowhere, doubt crept it.
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