Tra(i)nsition

Posted on by my one life. today

For a very long time I used to be preoccupied with my past. I wondered a lot about why certain things, family stuff mostly, had happened to me. Why me? Now it’s different. Now I’m telling myself stories about my future, about what I want it to look like. Feels better. Yet I am still lacking something: The ability to find lasting joy in the present moment.

I bet you have never heard anyone say this before. I probably am the only one in the whole wide world. Well. The funny thing is, given that I am the eternal self-observer, constantly analyzing my every thought and musing endlessly about it, it certainly hasn’t escaped my attention that this is what is happening. That I am musing a lot about my thoughts about my desired future.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I’ve been able to let go of the past, or most of it. I’m very glad. Yet, while I have replaced the old story line with a new one, a story line about what I want in life, and what I want out of it, I am acutely aware that life unfortunately doesn’t happen in the future. It happens in the Now.

I read an interesting article yesterday by James Clear. It was about the benefits of focussing on the process instead of the goal. One paragraph struck me in particular:

When you’re working toward a goal, you are essentially saying, “I’m not good enough yet, but I will be when I reach my goal.” The problem with this mindset is that you’re teaching yourself to always put happiness and success off until the next milestone is achieved.

There certainly is something to it. I’ve set my goals for the five coming years. And these are my goals, clearly. I wouldn’t want to change them. I’ve also created a process, my micro-step approach, to achieve my goals, and have resolved to focus on the process instead of a big unattainable master plan.

But, all truth be told, I have no idea how I can be happy, truly happy, in this awful middle place that I have occupied since my old life kind of fell apart. It’s like I’m stuck in this seemingly never-ending transition, not being in my old life, not being my old self any longer–but not being in my new life, being my new self yet either. Now you might inject: But you are in your new life. This is your new life.

The thing is, it doesn’t feel this way. It feels like a weird sort of god-forsaken station where I have gotten off the train that got me here long ago, and am eternally waiting for the next train, the one taking me to my new life. So far it hasn’t arrived. And I have no clue when it will. It could be months, it could be years.

And what, the hell, do you do at a train station, all by yourself–without your Self–for years on end without going crazy?

I’ve tried at all. Gratitude journaling. Jogging. Taking the bike more often. Seeing friends. Talking to family. Guided meditations. Affirmations. You name it. And it all does feel good. Sure does. But only for a short period of time. And then I’m back at the station. I just cannot seem to get out of there, shake off this deep-seated, always present feeling, this lingering sensation that I am simply not in the place I am supposed to be in.  It’s odd. And it doesn’t feel good.

Maybe I’m just not used to uncertainty. Maybe I’ve spent too many years, decades, on autopilot, living my life the way I thought I wanted to live it, not realizing that I only thought I wanted to, as a natural result of many years of subconscious family programming aka perfectionism, suppression of my own needs and wishes, making no mistakes, calming conflicts, focusing more on others than myself, etc.

I am a bit at loss without it.

I don’t wish it back. Heaven forbid. But I so wish for a new base-level of certainty and grounding and, yes, some sort of routine, some sort of feeling of having arrived, to finally set it. I want to arrive somewhere. No, not somewhere. I want to arrive in my real new life. I want to go there and feel at home. Truly, fully, internally feel at home. I simply cannot stand the station life anymore.

Can someone please send that train, and do it fast, to take me to that place, the place where I belong?

me

22 thoughts on “Tra(i)nsition”

  1. Arriving in my “real” new life…I think that is the apt description of all dreams, is it not?
    Certainly I can appreciate what you’re writing about here, but I noticed something you have going for you that I have not been engaged in doing – self care. I think I’ll ponder doing some of that, because I have often wondered if my crummy attitude is playing into it a lot.
    Thanks for the read!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, for dropping by and reading but most of all for your thoughtful comment.

      I think you are right. I kind of forgot about self-care for a bit. I discovered its healing powers a while back when I was really in a rut. I’m still in one, but not as deep, in case you wondered. The magic thing about self-care is that you can only do it now. Right now. There is no way to do it backwards or forwards. Never thought about it this way before.

      So maybe self-care is a really good trick to get my mind to stay here with me. Thanks for pointing that out. Gonna take a bath later and maybe watch a movie while doing so. And I’m really glad I this post helped you figure something out about yourself, too. That’s the ultimate compliment.

      Take good (self-)care, too!

      Liked by 1 person

      4. This bath really did wonders for me yesterday. So much for self-care. I referenced you in my new blog post, given that your comment played a major role in my thought process. I hope you don’t mind. Have a wonderful day!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel you! It’s been a long while of crazy events on my life path and event after event, or as you put it, a whole bunch of stations. I finally decided to let the train just go and ride along finding whatever I can each day, sometimes each moment *something* I can enjoy. And really, sometimes it’s just the can of whipped cream I keep turning over and pouring over my homemade hot chocolate. I could be dealing with a chronic illness flare up, or didn’t get that check in the mail or just argued with a family member, or got laid off (yep, that happened)… but I decided there IS a plan, and there’s a totally fun station waiting up yonder … I’m just not arrived yet. So in the meantime, I am making little moments to pass the time. Soul Collage, favorite movies, binge watching Offspring or GOT, walking out in the fall leaves. And some days suck, so I take naps. I get it. I feel you. And I send you positive vibes so you have some good moments too. Peace sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Colleen. I woke up this morning to your comment and it came at a strange time. I had just had a very similar thought: eff… the train. Your comment was like a confirmation. I wonder, though, if one should not just forget about trains and stations but about mass transport altogether… Well, maybe I’m taking this analogy too far. 🙂 Anyhow, I referenced you in my new blog post about it. Hope you don’t mind. Good vibes to you, too!!!

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      1. For sure we can’t be part of “mass transportation” because we’re not on autopilot anymore, that’s why we’re at today, thinking, feeling, allowing icky energies to leave our lives. Thanks for mentioning me. It feels good to have a kindered soul walking along the path!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re very welcome. And yes, it certainly feels good to have kindered souls walking along the path, especially when we give up on the autopilot and have to learn to do all the manual steering again.

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  3. You did a great job of describing how you feel, and I can really understand your wanting to leave the place you’re in. I hope you find your ticket out of there soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just punched my ticket, so to say. Only in a different way than I thought. I have resolved to leave the station all together and just walk. Thanks for giving me an idea for the finishing line of my new blog post 🙂 Looks like I’m back to writing (for now).

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Did it? I read the summary. It certainly sounds intriguing. Is it particularly about this middle stage when doesn’t work any longer and the new isn’t quite established yet? I have fleeting moments of quit and peace, though I’m not always able to stay there….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “Fleeting moments” that’s a good starting point…just keep building on it from there. Just a taster… He would say you have reached the awakening…”An essential part of the awakening is the recognition of the unawakened you”…. “You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge”. .. “Awareness is the greatest agent for change”. Xx

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      2. Thank you, Marie. I’ll be looking into this. For some reason I have a weird resistance to Eckart Tolle. I’ve never read anything by him, even though lots of people praise him. I don’t quite know what to make of it. The importance of awareness, however, resonates with me very much. It’s just the how that eludes me very often still. Work in progress, I guess. Or awareness in progress. Thank you for stopping by again and explaining. I very much appreciate your input and suggestions! Best wishes. xx

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      3. I think if you are resistant to him then it’s not for you. There are plenty other excellent authors on this subject. You are not alone, we are all awareness in progress with varying levels of success depending on the day! I’m delighted to think I could help. Xx

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  5. How wonderful ❣️you have evolved to a space beyond you earlier experiences. Having community, understanding and love will help you grown from here. And the most important part is self care and kindness.💕

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    1. Thank you, Val. It certainly doesn’t feel wonderful but I know what you mean. It’s tough to let go of the need to get somewhere. I used to tend to force things a bit, maybe before their time. I’m not trying a different approach of trying to just let things flow. And self-care plays an important role in it. Thanks for saying hi and leaving such an encouraging comment. 💕

      Liked by 1 person

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