So, the other day I popped the question. Not the happy one. But the other, the sad one. Are you totally through with us? I’ve been postponing this moment for a few years now. Years of hoping that we would find our way back to each other. In a new, more mature way. Turns out it wasn’t meant to happen. I finally figured that. And asked the question. And got the dreaded response. It was my worst nightmare come true. But it has also liberated me.
For the first time in over three years I know what I have to do. And that is to get the divorce that we have been putting off, both of us, for quite some time. Me for sentimental reasons, out of pain, out of hope and love. And my ex, I don’t know. Don’t wanna know. I just know that we finally have to cut ties.
I pray that we will be able to do it amicably. There are some thorny issues we will have to deal with. I’m scared it will threaten my financial security. And that’s something I find extremely hard to cope with. It’s my core wound. Or pointing to it. To my not feeling safe emotionally and looking for safety in material things. My home. My bank account. My pension plan.
Now this is all up in the air and I don’t know what it will look like when it comes down again. I just know I have to do this now. Now, that I have finally mustered the courage to say my goodbyes to what I thought to be the love of my life. Sometimes I feel I have wasted a lot of time. Maybe too much time. But then again I know only too well that I wasn’t ready. That’s just how long it took me to prepare.
I’m ready now.
I never thought I would be. But there I was. Suddenly seeing and hearing myself ask for our divorce. Years after our initial break-up that I had hoped was only temporary. I used to think that we did have a chance if we worked out our shit, excuse my language, sort out our emotional baggage. Baggage from a past long before we even knew each other which had started to poison our once wonderful relationship. A relationship that had elevated me to levels of joy and happiness that I never even knew existed.
And thrown me into depths of pain that I never knew existed either. Never have I ever needed so much time to recover from a break-up, to lick my wounds, to cry, to hope, to wish, to regroup and stabilize myself. I’m still not through with it. There is still so much unresolved stuff. Heart-wise. Family-wise. Work-wise.
But there is also a lot of stuff that I have resolved. I made peace with my dad. I made peace with my brother. Both of which I had wished for. None of which happened according to a plan of mine. No, I could not have imagined a worst way for those strangely beautiful moments to occur. Both flew towards me by means of the sudden death of my long-lost father that made all of us overcome our deepest regrets and scares.
And I have started facing my fears.
Of losing my security.
Of being thrown into situations where I don’t feel safe.
Where I feel powerless.
It’s the most disgusting feeling I know. I sense it in every fiber of my body. Starting at my feet. Where it begins to rise as a hot wave of lava that moves up my legs and dissolves my muscles and makes me feel weak and dizzy. Like I don’t have any lower legs anymore. Like I’m totally losing my footing.
Now, with the divorce, this is happening on a very big scale. It’s like the finale of my collected worst fears coming true and asking me to deal with them. Once and for all.
I don’t know yet how I will survive this. There are moments when I’m so terrified of what’s to come that I just want to disappear from the face of the earth and return only when it’s all over and taken care off by some twin version of mine.
And then, there are moments of weird calm. Very rare moments. But they do exist. Like right now. I don’t know, it’s like I know this is where I am supposed to be. This is what I am supposed to be doing. To be experiencing. To be learning.
I’d love to do nothing more than hit the pause button. No, the eject button. It’s no fun anymore. Can we just stop, please? It’s dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. Beyond description.
Yet I know there is only one way past this. And it’s through it. Through the midst of my fears. Through the pain of my vulnerability. Through the agony of saying goodbye.
Goodbye, my love. I love you. I never stopped loving you. Not one moment throughout all of what we had together, the good and the bad.
I will let you go.
I will let myself go.
Man o to (You and I) – a poem by Rumi