My better feeling choice

If you’ve read my ‘what if’ post you will know that I’ve come to the conclusion that I might want to try living like a leaf floating down a river. For the sake of experiencing a different kind of life: one of less struggle, one of more flow. Now, as you can imagine, it’s quite a quantum leap from furiously paddling upstream, as I used to, to floating downstream without resistance. So I’ve come up with a different mode of transportation for now: Walking on stepping stones. Downstream.

I’ve written a lot about the hardship that I have experienced recently and a while ago. To be quite frank I have grown a little tired of this. I mean of this ‘life is a struggle’ kind of story I’ve been telling myself. So I’ve decided to rewrite it and redirect my inner chatter about it. The first thing I have started doing is giving the struggle a different meaning, starting by asking myself this question: What if all the stumbling blocks I used to wrestle with were in fact stepping stones?

Thinking about it, it’s actually pretty straightforward. Because if I take my own word for it, in recent months and years all solid ground has lifted from under my feet. And given that predicament wouldn’t it be wise to grab hold of the first thing that is even close to solid? Exactly! So if my stumbling blocks are the only semi-solid structures remaining then, by virtue of the non-existence of any other more solid ground, they become worth stepping onto, consciously.

Thinking about it, that’s precisely what I have been doing for a while now. For lack of any other alternative I’ve recently come to embrace, well no, that’s too strong a word, I’ve recently come to reluctantly step onto my stumbling blocks, feeling my way forward in a maze of confusion.

Because if I hadn’t stepped onto them, the alternative would have been a total void. You know, like that feeling you get when you’re falling asleep and start dreaming that you’re taking the stairs, putting your foot forward, trustfully expecting another step to carry you, when in fact there is none, only nothingness, and you step into that, and suddenly you’re in free fall. I detest that part of the dream. It’s truly gut-wrenching.

So suppose you have a choice, wouldn’t you rather set your foot on the stumbling blocks you know as opposed to stepping into the void you don’t want to get to know? Yep, me too. So I keep stepping onto those stumbling blocks, one after the other, hesitantly, slowly inching ahead. With the blocks, of course, being the situations created by my bottled-up emotions, limiting beliefs, unhealthy habits and entrenched patterns.

Rather than fighting them, as I used to, I now rely on them for support and guidance. It’s not an easy way to travel as it means facing and accepting what I have been avoiding and resisting. It’s also not easy because I can’t see very far. In fact, just about as far as my foot can reach. Since it’s foggy. But that’s what I’ve got to work with for now. Until the fog lifts, eventually, hopefully.

And once the fog does lift I hope to see more of the place the stumbling blocks aka stepping stones have taken me to. Hopefully, it will be a place I like. Hopefully, a place I would have gone to anyway if I had known where I was going. Wouldn’t that be nice? Oh, I would love that!

So for now, I nurture that idea. It’s my handrail, so to speak. Every time I set foot on another stepping stone I tell myself that it’s just another step in the right direction, my direction. It’s my better feeling choice right now. I kind of like it. Because even if it can’t give me the certainty that I crave, namely that I’m walking in the right direction, at least it makes me feel better about the path I’m taking while it’s as foggy as it is.

And as there is nothing you cannot find on youtube, here you go: people walking on stepping stones. Curiously, some seem to find it easier than others. Some don’t even seem to be afraid of getting their feet wet. And most incredibly, some even seem to have fun while doing it! Woah, well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here…. One step after the other.

But do watch this, at least until 2’22. It’s gonna be worth your while. 🙂

me